An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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