I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
