i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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