i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
