we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
