he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
