he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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