I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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