Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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