I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My dick has a subreddit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
