toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I had to cum in my sink.
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