I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
