After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
