The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
