The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this will be a night to untag.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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