New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
