no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
