"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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