We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
