I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
