At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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