Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
