Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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