So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
