Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
