First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
