I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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