If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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