How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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