I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
