I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
