she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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