How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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