This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
