there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
