Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
