My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
