So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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