My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
