I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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