Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
