I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
