Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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