if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
