Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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