So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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