Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
sex in a hospital.. check
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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