So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
