he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
