I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
