i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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